His words etched within my mind; “you make it seem like you did nothing even though you basically did everything to ruin what I had with you.” It is engraved with his forgotten promise of “I’ll never hurt or leave you.”

For months, I tried to convince myself I was over thinking. I didn’t understand why, but I was happy. Nor did I know what was wrong and why I was always apologizing. I thought it was my fault my boyfriend was depressed. I felt joyless and knew I was in a better state before I met him. Back then, I was unaware of mentally abusive relationships.

We met in eighth grade and our friendship soon turned into a relationship. I felt dearly loved because we were new to relationships and experienced our first kiss with each other.

However, there was another girl he talked and cared about. When I saw them together, I told myself I was being a jealous first time girlfriend. I asked about it and he said they previously liked one another but told me “we’re like siblings.” I gave him my trust but I knew he wasn’t telling me the truth.

I tried to leave the relationship a few times and let him know that I could not handle this daily, aching distress within my chest.

In my attempts, he said he’d hurt himself. For a long time, he had be dealing with depression and was fragile. There were nights where I would stay up late texting him as he went through difficult moments, letting him know that I loved him and that he wasn’t alone.

I tried to give him happiness and cared about him too much to lose him. I couldn’t leave.

I remember late one night I was trying to tell him how sad I felt. He became overwhelmed with grief and sent a picture of a knife in his kitchen. Unaware of what to do, I repeated that I loved and needed him. I helplessly begged him not to do anything as he advised me not to call him, saying he wouldn’t do anything.

I thought, if I’m with him, he’s happy and alive. If I wasn’t, he would spiral down and who knew what he could do. In my head, him needing me meant he loved me.

Not too long after, a night came where he told me he liked the girl. Immediately, I ended our relationship. We didn’t contact each other but I made sure he was okay by asking someone. Meanwhile, I tried to focus more on my transition to high school.

Inevitably, we encountered each other freshman year. During our time apart, I thought I was impulsive and didn’t give him a chance. We still liked each other and got back together. I was relieved to be part of his life again, yet I discovered that during our time apart, he was with the girl. I now knew my doubts were right, but I ignorantly continued our relationship.

Each time I tried asking about it, he always pivoted his answers. He asked why I didn’t trust him and said nothing ever happened. I stopped asking and never got answers. I remained quiet, losing myself and real smile. I denied the fact that I was being controlled and lied to daily by his deceptions. My time was now his. I did not notice how distant I was from my friends and family.

He said I was being manipulated by my parents, that they were making decisions for me, that I was being ‘mind controlled.’ My parents accepted but detested our relationship. My parents warnings were tucked away alongside my raging doubts. It wasn’t my parents fault, I was breaking due to the fact that he did everything I wasn’t allowed to do.

Then one day he disappeared without an explanation. I forced myself to be audacious enough to not call him. I tried to find answers and pitifully waited. But nobody came.

In the end, every doubt was true. He lied about everything in our relationship and was in a new one with the girl the next day. Words can’t describe how I felt afterwards. Lost and bewildered are just a few understatements.

Time passed. I unexpectedly fell for another boy. We dated and with a kiss, I was scared all my relationships would be like my last. He told me not to be pessimistic and enjoy the present. Eventually we did break up but he gave me a sincere feeling of being loved without lies. I was able to move on and love another.

A year later, my first love and I are strangers. In the very few times I have spoken to him since, he speaks as though we’re still together, though he’s taken. My past has influenced me to focus on my life and not waste my time with his delusions. I don’t hate him or anyone; if I did, that would mean that I care. I refuse to let what happen to me shut me away from love. I won’t let someone control my actions. I will do whatever makes me happy. I’ll  date when I’m ready, not when I’m lonely.

I felt like a prisoner chained to pain I called love. I hope manipulative lovers will stop lying and hurting others. If you’re ever harmed, feel trapped, sad or threatened, get out of there. Listen to your gut feeling. No matter what they say, that is not love. Nobody has the privilege to treat you in such an atrocious manner. Never put a lover before yourself. I know it’s easier said than done, I thought it was impossible. It’s never easy to let go, and the aftermath can be just as devastating. But such an impetuous action can lead to serenity.